vixen's thoughts

2009-03-08T19:07:00.004Z

Oh my god its been a month plus since my last post grrrrrrrrr bad sub, bad blogger, i'm so sorry this month has kinda got away with me recently since so much has happened 1st the ex husband has finally moved out not only has he gone but he went back to his mothers so is over 90 miles away, he has met a woman, in America of all places so his mum has paid for him to go n visit her so i got rid for 2 weeks as well was lovely, while he went i had Tony for a week which was lovely we managed our 1st swingers meet which went well although "metal dickie" broke me - lol. Then we had the party the night after which was great - because there was so many people there i didnt really want to play so T took me upstairs started fucking me then said my birthday present was outside waitin for me - 3 lovely men and Jem lol, all i had to do was lay back suck wank and enjoy - T knew how much i was looking forward to it be he also knew i wanted a closed room - which it was until one of the party guests who i didnt really know walked into the room - i totally freaked, got off the bed and walked out the room - i did explain why to everyone - i was raped when i was 17 by 3 guys so when i'm surrounded by men i need to know i'm looked after it just freaked me out.

My wonderfull ex husband has told his new woman that he let his ex wife (me) adopt the eldest 2 children and we biologically had 1 child together which is so far the only part of the truth,.... tony has gone totally nuts and because of mick we are in serious danger of splitting up, I feel like my heart is breaking i love him so much it hurts to think that my lover my partner and my Master might not be a part of my life for much longer i can only hope that we can resolve our differences and move on

Early mornings and limits??????

2009-01-30T06:05:00.004Z

Oh well the start of a very long day Tonys mum goes in for surgery to remove her breast today, unfortunately she been diagnosed with skin cancer over the breast she had breast cancer in, now i'm sure she'll be fine but as you can imagine Tony's having problems sleeping with worry again, and c is ill too which doesnt make it any easier for him, just wish i was closer to him at least then i could call n give him a hug, and maybe help with "c". The distance is the real killer not the not living together, the distance makes it sooo fucking hard to see each other, and when we do we make the most of it but its so hard been so far apart.

My minds been wondering a lot lately which Tony will tell you is so dangerous lol, have been pondering my limits, when we 1st started talking and emailing, i said one of my limits was my feet now i'm known to be very tickelish, to the point of hysteria even my kids know come near my feet n i'm not responsible if i kick you, and T has managed to give me a foot massage and have my toes in his mouth.......... so think i can strike that limit off my list, basically when we discovered that the BD/sM was a big part of our relationship i thought about it and when i gave him my body I gave him all of it and yup that included my feet.

So now i want to pass another limit something i've always stopped anyman from doing, i want to be spanked over Tonys knee until i cry, cant even think where this has come from but i love the embarassment of been over a knee my naked arse in the air, you can guarantee having a wet patch on your knee if you put me in that position, but for somereason i've always stopped anyone from going too far, maybe its the naughty schoolgirl in me, so when i go down to see him next i'm been put over his knee wearing my naughty schoolgirl dress and having my arse spanked............ mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. His term of endearment for me is babygirl and when he calls me that i go all gooey and girly lol, so think we're both going to enjoy this one lol.

Thoughts

2009-01-19T13:50:00.001Z

Well we have our first swingers meet arranged, its with a couple T has known for years who he loves to bits and me and the fem have hit it off and her hubby is lovely and loves women who look like women, so am now on a massive lingere hunt - and some nice FM shoes too.

We've arranged the meet for the night before the party so that any nerves have vanished a little beforehand, should be a fantastic night now.

Have had some great long chats with T about us in general and how much we love each other - it astounds me sometimes that i've managed to meet the one guy who really does it for me, as a Master and a lover....... and fuck does he do both well. He understands me so well says he can see the twinkle in my eyes as he holds my hands over my head while he fucks me and thats just because he pinning my hands and kissing and biting me, i love the rough side of sex and i know that no matter how rough we got he would never hurt me and because of that i can really let myself go.

cant think of a bloody title

2009-01-16T07:00:00.002Z

Well i'm definately home - works a bitch, and i'll definately be leaving before much longer bloody hate the place. Am having a really off couple of days even Tony mentioned i was been hard work yesterday but then to be honest he wasnt in the best of moods by last night, i managed to open my gob and let the words come out without thinking about them. The worst thing you could tell your Master is he intimidates me, so what did i say to him ffs. I didnt mean that he intimidates me in a bad way, but the power he has over my body and the way it dances for him is scary.......the mental connection is such that he says "vixen cum" and i bloody do the way i feel for him intimidates me sometimes, because the 3 times i've been in love before have felt nothing like the way i feel now. It scares me because i have given this man more of me in 6 months than i have ever gave anyone else.

Reality sucks

2009-01-14T06:45:00.002Z

Well i'm back home and seeing my kids was amazing however I miss Tony like bloody mad, was horrid sleeping last night without him......... not the same going to sleep without him been next to me.

The day before I came home we went for some culture and did the tourist spots of Bath, even went into the Abbey without bursting into flames which is impressive for me. After the culture came the fun tho cos he took me into Ann Summers mmmmmmmmmmmmmm got a stunning long basque and stockings which i've not worn in about 9 years to be honest, felt incredible in it very sexy indeed and when we got home he ordered me the naughty school girls dress which we both liked, mmmmm can see that been my punishment outfit. lol.

We went out for a drink with a friend of his that night and had such a scream he understood the relationship that Tony had with Hazel and now with me and was great about it, I dont expect all his friends to be happy for us tho and i'm sure i'll find this out next month when we go to milton keynes to see some friends of his before we head to a swingers housewarming party which has now been tagged as a birthday party for the host and me as its 6 days after the party. now we have spoke about been involved in both lifestyles and whilst the D/s is for us alone and not something we're going to do at a party, there are still rules which basically mean unless he really doesnt want me to fuck someone in particular then as long as i speak to him about who i want to fuck then i can. Obviously he can too. This party is going to be full of primarily his and Hazels old friends so i feel a little bit strange going but am looking forward to it.

Instead of meeting for a couple of days tho as we were going to i'm going down to his on the thursday before and coming home on the monday so we get a few days of been alone too.

I'm now collared

2009-01-11T11:23:00.001Z

Well i arrived here on thursday night and to be honest i wasnt sure how it would be as T as been so down since New Year, I shouldnt have worried, he met me from the train with a bear hug and lots of kisses even the train conductor commented that he hoped he knew me lol. Thursday was lovely lots of hugging n kissing and oh yeah some very very very hot sex. Friday tho my fucking period started the one day i really didnt want it to because of the collaring the time came for me to present myself to my Master and ask him to take me as his sub, luckily he took me and im now his collared sub and so very proud to be his.

My collar looks fantastic and i'm so proud to wear it.

We went to bed and had lots of kissing and stroking and eventually my Master fucked my ass soooo hard it made me cum which was amazing no touching my clit just fucking.........

I'm a very lucky sub because even when hes not well and feels like crap like last night his hands where all over my body.... just touching and stroking mmmmmmmm felt fantastic, he makes me feel so loved and wanted and desired i've never felt this way before and I cant wait till he makes me his wife as well as his sub........ although to be honest i feel more commitment to him than i ever did to my husband.

Have decided that when i go back home i'm going to go and see a solicitor and speed u the divorce proceedings i need to get a start on it. Will be a way of showing Tony how serious i am about him and us.

why is life so bloody complicated

2009-01-08T06:23:00.002Z

Ok this is sooooo bloody hard and to be honest i dont know what to do if i write down in here how i'm feel and why i may drop someone in the shit.............. cos theres a fairly decent chance it will be read by T at some point.

T is very flat and low at the moment and i have the distinct feeling i may have caused this one without thinking......I told a lie to my ex, not a massive one but one that basically said i was on my own at new year, hummmm far from it. But then stoopid subbie that i am told tony i'd said it grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. So I have the feeling that was the catalist to his current crash.

Will have to persuade him otherwise while i'm down there, set off in 3 hrs n i'm only just packed lol. I hope deep down he knows how much i love him cos i really do, i have said for years i would only ever get married once. Tony wants to marry me and i'll bloody let him cos i know how happy he will make me for the rest of my life, not just as my husband but as my Master.

struggling

2009-01-05T05:07:00.002Z

Well T been crashed for 3 days now this is the longest i've ever experienced him so low and for so long for usually he bounces back within a day or 2, its so hard to deal with but i know i have to and this is life from now until forever. I knew way back in July about the bipolar and that he has crashes of lows n manic highs, and because its not something i've officially lived with i'm still learning and boy is it a hard learning curve. Basically he's so flat theres no emotion or tenderness or love shown.

I know he loves me because he tells me he loves me enough times when hes not crashed so I never feel like he doesnt, although because this ones lasting so long i'm starting to feel maybe somethings changed, I know i'm just over reacting. But its so hard going from such outpouring of emotion and tenderness and love to nothing...... where now the only times he tells me he loves me is after i've told him. i'm just not used to it.

I made a joke of playing a game of monopoly on the wii when i go down n we'll have forefits he took me seriously n told me i needed board game for lovers or something, only wanted to try n get him to crack a smile but never mind i'll get there with him.

Just have to stay strong n hope he comes back to me soon.

I'm nervous enough this week cos its my collaring ceremony on friday and i cant wait to finally wear his collar and be his perminant sub. The commitment i feel is more than i felt on my wedding day.

Funny moods

2009-01-03T06:29:00.000Z

Todays a bit of a strange day, I feel slightly out of it due to the painkillers, and it also seems that Tony is heading for a crash.... his bipolar seemes to be pretty flamable at the minute, which is hardly surprising as they committed Hazels ashes today and a friend of his wife died and its her funeral on monday, plus he left me on thursday which always fucks us both up although not as bad this time cos i know its only till next thursday.

And its January and everyone get the new year blues, i know i usually do but there is so much i'm looking forward to this year.... Mick moving out and finally having my home to myself again, been a full time mum for the 1st time in 9 years......... Tony if not moving in at least moving bloody closer.......... the distance is the killer, even by train its 4 hours and by car its 5 if he stops which really he has to do, I can see us arranging to meet up near milton keynes in future as its easyish for him to get to and not too unrealistic for me to get there. I dont know really what the future holds for us but I know i love him to bits and i know he loves me - theres just some barriers to get over to be together and we will do it that i know its just going to be hard.

We havent had the easiest start to any relationship, his wife died, and the day after i told my husband i wanted a divorce...... 300 miles seperate us....... but i know our hearts are together.

Happy New Year - the aftermath

2009-01-02T06:20:00.000Z

Well New Year came and i saw it out with his cock in my mouth........ we made lots of promises to each other like to always love each other then lots of cuddles and kisses..... i've had a marvelous time while they have been up here and now hes gone I miss him like stupid, even tho its only for a week and then i'll be back in his arms when i go down for 5 days. Now that will be wonderful 5 days off work and been able to devote myself to T.

My kids came back yesterday and it was amazing to have lots of kisses and cuddles from them, I know i've to get used to spending time away from them because it wont be long until Mick moves out and has the kids 3 days a week, keep telling them its been quiet without them and whilst it has in some respects Tony's 3 have made it less so lol.

I just hope this new year works out how its planned to !!!!!

A night of many 1sts

2008-12-30T08:00:00.000Z

Oh it was wonderful walking into Anitas house and the kids all jumped on me to hug me, there wonderful kids, and they bought me a beautiful watch and bracelet set for christmas. Been really lovely.

The kids went to bed and we went in the bath, mmmmm. Was the greatest feeling in the world to lay in his arms and feel so loved and safe again, its my favourite place in the whole world to be not there as M/s but just Tony and Stacey, 2 lovers so relaxing feeling his hands just stroking me.

I had been telling T that i would give him a blow job on cam in the chat room we use and I did do that however it turned into him shagging me on cam too, which was very erotic knowing people where watching us, i've never been an exhibitionist but i think I now am one lol.

When we went to bed he managed something i've wanted to try for sooooo long Fisting!!!! He just got me soooo turned on that it was sooo natural to allow him to do it in fact sod allow i begged him to fist me, after a while he got on top of me and started to make love to me, but could sense I was close to hysteria lol not in a bad sense but in the sense that I was soooo turned on that ever touch movement etc was just making me cum, so again he held me in his arms and just stroked me to calm me down........ then bent me over to fuck my ass something i've wanted him to do for ages and something he has enjoyed in the past but not really with someone who craved it and enjoyed it as much as he did...... until now lol. Was sensational especially when i had my vibe in me at the same time because again DP is something ive really wanted to try and now i have oh my god.............. The nicest part of any sort of session with T is the after glow where i just lay in his arms and allow my breathing to come back to some sort of normal.

I love My Master My lover My partner and I cant ever imagine been with anyone else and feeling the same way about them, he reads me better than i read myself and to have that level of complete trust and understanding is just unbelievable. But then i'm a very lucky lady!

Anticipation

2008-12-28T09:37:00.000Z

Well its only 9 hours till I see Tony and i'm a mess lol, my stomaches in bits and my nerves are shot, and its nothing to do with meeting the kids but i'm like it everytime I know i'm going to see him, I have been doing lots of reading lately with regards to been a good sub in preperation for my collaring ceremony, he says he can see the sub in my eyes and I agree its feeling the most natural thing in the world trying to serve him and anticipate his needs, he considers mine so much that it feels like such a small thing i do for him such as asking if he would like a bottle of Vodka so he can have a drink tonight, hes making me Baileys and I dont like drinking alone lol.

Then you read about how to be a good sub and its all about doing little things for him - so maybe I am a good sub he seems to think so and thats the most important thing to me. I want to make him not only the happiest Master in the world but the happiest Man in the world.

Lissie asked me today who bought me my necklace imediately without thinking I said it was a gift from Tony and for 20 minutes Tony was the only name she bloody said was very sweet...... just hope when they finally meet him that all 3 girls like him i'm sure they will tho.

Theres so much going round my head today, i barely slept last night, so i know i'll be fighting it later and determined to stay awake lol, easier said than done cos it just feels so right to lay in his arms and be held - its the safest place on earth, to me at least.

Tonight

2008-12-27T20:31:00.000Z

Oh god its so hard tonight been away from Tony - theres just so much shit going on that all I really need is a hug n a kiss and have my fears taken from me - theres nothing i cant do when i'm with him and I just wish bloody June would hurry up and we can be together.

Its sometimes so difficult when we're both down trying to lift each other, but somehow we do it, i'm told on a daily basis how sexy and beautiful I am that i'm now believing it - only ever been told it by one other man and to be honest i thought he was just taking the piss, least now i know thats how he sees me, I'm called a goddess and whilst that may be pushing it i believe what i'm told.

The next 21 hours are going to be so hard waiting to see him, i'm so excited to finally be meeting his kids too, I know there all looking forward to meeting me, and I just hope it goes well and we all get on - i'm sure we will. They've been through so much I just wanna make them happy and help Tony in any way i can with them, will be lots of girly shopping to happen.

We've been talking about my collaring ceremony that happens on the 9th January and I'm so looking forward to that, becoming his sub fully, knowing the commitment to each other we already have will just be enhanced even more by wearing his collar, theres just so much to remember when i present myself to him for inspection - he going to run through it for me on Tuesday while hes here cos i dont want to get it wrong, it would feel like I let him down and i know i'm been silly but i also dont want to let Hazel down, its such a privilidge to follow her as Tonys sub I know its not been easy for him to take a new sub, and i just want to make him happy.

Only 21 hours till he gets here tho yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee